McConnell A Go Go

Grumpy Old Men is an often forgotten, cinematic gem from ‘93...

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 01:57:00 -0500

Grumpy Old Men is an often forgotten, cinematic gem from ‘93 starring Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon. This “odd” pair play Max Goldman and John Gustafson, a couple of bitter old fucks that haven’t gotten along since high school. It was during this period that John had stolen Max’s then-current girlfriend, resulting in Max holding a grudge matched only in size to the grudge that I personally hold against Steve Henson, for inventing Ranch dressing - a dressing that ranks just under diarrhea in a list of my preferable condiments.

Years later, as widowers and living next door to one another, John and Max live exciting, fulfilling lives comparable only to that of one in a comatose state. This lifestyle continues for years for the two aging pricks until a new neighbor moves in directly across the street. This neighbor, played by Ann Margaret, is Ariel - a middle but finely aged, lively, red-haired woman, with a thing for wrinkled sacks and limp weenies.

Feeling skeptic at first, John and Max stick to nervously watching Ariel from the windows of their homes until one night the perverts notice Chuck, the local bait shop owner, arrive to Ariel’s home carrying chocolates, a rose, and no doubt an undisclosed boner. This move finally sparks enough jealousy that John and Max venture out past their comfort zones of living rooms and fishing shanty’s to engage in an all-out war to see who can first figure out whether or not the pubes do indeed match the drapes.

-chris

Though not the first to combine alcohol with an energy drink, in...

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 03:55:00 -0400

Though not the first to combine alcohol with an energy drink, in 2005 Phusion released Four Loko, - forever changing partying and giving kids across America the energy and confidence to get black-out drunk and jump dirt bikes over intersections. It was an entire high school kegger conveniently packaged into a single aluminum can. Once those 24 ounces were cracked, a silent self-agreement was made to being okay with the possibility of waking up the following morning under the grill in your neighbor’s backyard with shit in your pants.

It took little to no time after the release of Four Loko for other companies to start releasing their own giant cans of ADHD. Somewhere in the midst of this, Anheuser/Busch released Tilt, giving us their own version of the heart palpitating nectar.

After a few accident reports, and a couple of statewide bans, companies selling these alcoholic energy drinks were pressured into “reformulating” their beverages. This “reformulation” meant essentially taking out caffeine, ginseng, and any last drops of fun.

In knowing that the new formula would be significantly less successful, most of the companies took the next logical step in trying to keep the extreme beverages on everybody’s radar - pump up the alcohol content and drop the price.

The can seen above contains 12% alcohol and was purchased from my local liquor store for 85 cents. I bought “purple” only in assuming that it would be less of a stomach ache than “blue”. The taste wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great either. Like chasing vodka down with a box of Jolly Joes.

And while lacking the ingredients that made these drinks so popular in the first place, I entirely believe that this single can of Tilt was the sole reason that I then continued to drink two 40 ounce bottles of Mickey’s malt liquor and a very decent amount of a bottle of wine, blacked out for a bit, came back and ate the best grilled cheese on the planet, passed out, woke up still drunk and watched Office Space, went back to bed, and then woke up late for work.

Touche’ Purple Tilt, Touche’.

-Chris

This past Saturday, I got the urge to do something that up to...

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:55:00 -0500

This past Saturday, I got the urge to do something that up to this point, I had never attempted to do in my 27 years on planet Earth… eat a fucking McRib.

The McRib for those unaware, is a sandwich that at one time was on the McDonald’s menu as a regular item. It wasn’t a successful item and not until many years later did it gain popularity when McDonald’s suckered the public by promotionally putting it on the menu for only a few weeks each year. Until that point, a “pork” patty containing no actual rib meat and a bun made up of ingredients that include a chemical found in gym mats and shoe soles, had apparently never tasted so good.

This year the McRib ran from October 24th to November 14th. It usually appears around this time, and to me was never more than an indication that department stores were beginning to be filled with plastic versions of Charlie Brown’s shitty-ass Christmas tree.

This year I decided to give it a go. I got it without onions because they taste like dick sweat, and I have to admit that the McRib was pretty goddamn good.

It will probably be the only McRib I ever eat, not only because my girlfriend completely and totally despised me for about an hour or so after I had eaten it, but I’d also like to continue my life without my stomach turning into a worm farm.

And there you go, a blog entry entirely about the McRib. Merry Christmas.

-Chris